Subject: Headlines To Be Read First
Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 01:34:29 -0400 (EDT)

Hi, folks--the machine I've been using to send these has been off line for
a while, so if you sent any mail to me and got it returned, please resend
it to me.  Thanks, -packy
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ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:

    * Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
    * Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
    * Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
    * House passes gas tax onto senate
    * Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
    * Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
    * William Kelly was fed secretary
    * Milk drinkers are turning to powder
    * Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
    * Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
    * Farmer bill dies in house
    * Iraqi head seeks arms

SOME BECOME UNINTENTIONALLY SUGGESTIVE:

    * Queen Mary having bottom scraped
    * Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
    * Prostitutes appeal to Pope
    * Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
    * NJ judge to rule on nude beach
    * Child's stool great for use in garden
    * Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
    * Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
    * Organ festival ends in smashing climax

GRAMMAR OFTEN BOTCHES OTHER HEADLINES:

    * Eye drops off shelf
    * Squad helps dog bite victim
    * Dealers will hear car talk at noon
    * Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
    * Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
    * Miners refuse to work after death
    * Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
    * Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

ONCE IN A WHILE, A BOTCHED HEADLINE TAKES ON A MEANING
OPPOSITE FROM THE ONE INTENDED:

    * Never withhold herpes from loved one
    * Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
    * Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1994
    * Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

SOMETIMES NEWSPAPER EDITORS STATE THE OBVIOUS:

    * If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
    * War dims hope for peace
    * Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
    * Cold wave linked to temperatures
    * Child's death ruins couple's holiday
    * Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
    * Man is fatally slain
    * Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
    * Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation