Subject: Professor Quotes
Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 09:56:45 -0400

(quoth my friend Gene Gregor)

Hey Folks,

   For your amusement, I copied these (without permission) from MathNews,
the University of Waterloo Faculty of Mathematics Student Newspaper.
Check them out at http://www.undergrad.math.uwaterloo.ca/~mathnews/.

If you forward this message around, please leave the above attribution
to MathNews intact.  Enjoy!

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"Probably the best way to see me face to face is to send me email."
  --Cormack, CS 442

"It's OK, it's OK, I think it's OK."
  --Reid, C&O 350

"I can't look at you guys without laughing."
  --Kunze, AM 353

"Does everyone believe this? Good! Proof by democracy."
  --Best, C&O 367

"It's harder to draw in n-space, unless you're smoking funny cigarettes."
  --Best, C&O 367

"Let's say you have your favourite m-vector sitting in your pocket and you
want to extend its basis..."
  --Hewitt, MATH 136

"Regardless of your personal religion, I want you all to pray now. Maybe we
should order you according to religion, though, so we know which one works!
If it doesn't come back on, the atheists win."
  -- D. McLeish, STAT 331

Student: "I don't understand what you just did."
Prof: "That's right, you don't."
   --Thompson, STAT 332

"Never mind, shoot me."
  --Farrell, STAT 231

"For the next sixty minutes, I'll be waving my hands wildly."
  --LeBlanc, AM 351

Prof: "Anyone ever tried studying?"
Student: "I'm dying to."
Prof: "You may."
  --F.G. Reynolds, MTHEL 305B

"Since you are only about a foot apart, this midterm is not a test of your
knowledge but more a test of your peripheral vision."
  --Woolner, PHYS 121

"Do you know how to grow mushrooms? Take a nice, dark dungeon, and lay
about 2 feet of shit on the ground. Then plant your mushrooms in the shit.
Then after 4 years, you give each of the mushrooms a degree. So if your feet
feel heavy, now you know..."
  --N. Mouawad, CS 342

"Let me put this in bad English: This series doesn't NOT converge... it's
like saying, `Yes, we have no bananas.' "
  --Best, MATH 138

"If Moses hadn't come down from the mountains, we wouldn't have had
commandments, we'd have guidelines."
  --MacKay, STAT 231

"Anything is possible when you're on drugs."
   --Willard, PMATH 330

"Mathematicians are very fond of being orthogonal."
   --F.C. Tang, MATH 235

"And you say, `God damn, why do they do that?' "
   --Uhde, FINE 251

"6-2=4. This is the kind of mathematics I like. Actually, this is the kind
of mathematics I can do. Maybe that is the kind of math I like."
  --Younger, MATH 136

"Okay, how many of you are awake? Oh! Quite a lot!... Four!"
  --Best, MATH 138

"If I can prove it, you are spared.
 If I can't prove it, it's an exercise."
  --Tang, PMATH 334

"... so let's try to solve some examples from the book instead of the real
world."
  -- Chen, STAT 333

"I'm sure you are all enjoying assignment 4. If you haven't already started
enjoying assignment 4, I strongly urge you to start enjoying it soon."
  -- Taylor, CS 342

(Hears a little kid singing `la-la-la' in the halls) "Gee, and it isn't
even end-of-term yet."
  -- Burkowski, CS 444

(While handing out midterm) "... and please don't cheat, 'cause if I catch
you, it means enormous bureaucracy. If you do feel the need to cheat, at
least sit beside someone who's smarter than you. In some cases, that
shouldn't be too difficult."
  -- Stortz, HIST 254J

"Students always ask me how I prefer to have essays handed in -- in a
duotang? With a plastic cover? Just stapled? I've found that the best essays
I've received have been wrapped around a bottle of Canadian Club."
  -- Stortz, HIST 254J

"Monogamy is not a crime. It may be a sin... No... don't tell my wife I
said that."
  -- Johnston, PSCI 292

"Having trouble staying awake, eh? You should come up to my office and get
some of Dr. Jeff's Happy Pills. I have two words for you -- NoDoze!!"
  -- Shallit, CS 360

"Would you rather be at the dentist's, or in this class?"
  -- Siegel, AM/PM 331