Subject: no subject (file transmission)
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 23:56:13 -0500

A set of 'on-line' humor...
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From: hamster@arn.net (Hurtle Hamster)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: You might be an AOL'er if...

...You got your internet software on a disk out of the back of a magazine.
...You had to buy a modem AFTER you intalled said software.
...You type in CAPITAL LETTERS, JUST BECAUSE IT LOOKS BETTER.
...You think 'Unix' is a complex geometric term.
...Multitasking means watching TV while you download.
...14.4 is 'fast enuff'
...You think FTP is a gynecological syndrome.
...You have ever been told to 'Read The FAQ'
...You hope to someday understand the mystery of UUcode
...You have ever crossposted to more than twenty-five separate news groups
...You did it on purpose.
...You have ever waited more than twenty minutes for any web page to load.
...'Jpeg' is a swearword at your house.
...You prounounce 'Gif' with a 'J'
...You have ever posted a binary in chunks smaller than 90K
...You have ever posted an uncompressed  .BMP image to a binary picture group.
...'Linux'? Isn't he the kid with the blanket from 'Peanuts'?
...You have ever sent five dollars to an address in a "MAKE MONEY FAST!' post.
...There are three computers in your house, a VIC-20, a Commodore-64 and
   your programmable Mr. Coffee
...A 'Scanner' is something you listen to truck drivers and cops with.
...Your nine year old daughter has ever installed software for you.
...Yo evur dun posted a crateke of anuther poster's gramur or spelin.
...You have ever committed a felony over Usenet.
...You have ever ADMITTED to committing a felony over Usenet.
...The World Wide Web is scary.
...You have ever used the phrase, 'Surfing the Web' or 'Driving on the
   Information Superhighway'
...The 'Fast Lane' on said highway is a 2400 baud modem.
...You use the Internet to pick up chicks.
...'Kill File' is something you do with a screwdriver
...You have ever posted a religous commentary in a binaries group
...This list insults you more than it makes you laugh.

   But remember, there is salvation, even for the worst of the AOL'ers. You
   can always dump AOL, and get a REAL internet connection, and hope to God
   nobody remembers you.

===============================================================================

You Know You're Spending Too Much Time at the Computer When...

 * You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net".
 * Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she 
   looks like.
 * You check your mail.  It says "no new messages".  So you check it again.
 * Your phone bill is delivered in a box.
 * You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom.
 * All of your friends have an @ in their names.
 * You tell the cab driver you live at
   http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
 * You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got
   work to do"  and you don't have a job.
 * You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.0"
 * You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off
 * You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front
   of your computer with a toilet
 * You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :)
 * Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy
   another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you
   can chat
 * As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first
   instinct is to search for the "back" button
 * Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours.  You start
   to tremble.  You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number.
   You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.  You succeed.

===============================================================================

 >     The Top 18 Signs You're Addicted to the Internet
 >
 >
 >
 >     18> Any campground without a T1 line is OFF your vacation
 >     itinerary.
 >
 >     17> Wife calls you to dinner by posting to alt.food.
 >
 >     16> I.V. stand next to your mini tower.
 >
 >     15> Choice between paying Compuserve bill and paying for kids
 >     education is easy -- if a little painful for your kids.
 >
 >     14> Your big pickup line is, "Haven't we met on
 >     alt.top5.addict?"
 >
 >     13> Batteries in the TV remote now last for months.
 >
 >     12> You send in your Top Five List submissions while in the air
 >     over Oregon.
 >
 >     11> You hire a housekeeper for your home page.
 >
 >     10> New mail alarm on your palmtop annoys other churchgoers.
 >
 >     9> Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
 >
 >     8> AT&T names you Customer of the Month for the third
 >     consecutive time.
 >
 >     7> Your idea of socializing is sucking up to Chris White
 >     for the number one spot.
 >
 >     6> You unsuccessfully try to download a pizza from
 >     www.dominos.com.
 >
 >     5> Your family conducts an intervention via e-mail and
 >     checks you into www.bettyford.com.
 >
 >     4> You rig your toilet to alert you if you receive any
 >     new mail while you're "offline."
 >
 >     3> You speak in a monotone voice and call your wife "Friday."
 >     (Oops! That's a Sign You're Addicted to Dragnet!)
 >
 >     2> You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the
 >     *afternoon*.
 >
 >
 >     and the Number 1 Sign You're Addicted to the Internet...
 >
 >
 >     1> You're reading THIS, aren't you?
 >
 >
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PackyHumor: some idiotic, inane or otherwise confusing mail that packy,
            for no discernable reason, chooses to inflict on his friends.
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  What kind of name is 'Packy'?  Visit 'www.dardan.com/packynet' to find out!