"I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after
Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from
Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem."
- Derek Edwards
"I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that
folds."
- Steven Wright
"President Clinton declared major parts of California disaster
areas: flooded coastal plains, mountainous mudslide areas, and
anywhere that Kevin Costner is filming."
- Jim Rosenberg
"I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must
endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom
stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also,
females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by
age seven they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud
inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue
to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s."
- Dave Barry
"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,'
but not in those words."
- Woody Allen
"New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the
time, most of it unsolved."
- Johnny Carson
"I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say,
'Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in
a cartoon, but I think I can do it.'"
- Steven Wright
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We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.