Cheryl Torrontor always wanted to manage actors using a cattle prod...

Tips for Actors

• Compromise your principles early and get it over with.
• Memorize all of the songs from "Cats."
• Wear as much spandex as possible to auditions.
• Wear lot of "comedy and tragedy" accessories.
• Take your art WAY to seriously.
• Misquote famous Shakespeare.
• If a director doesn't invite you to callbacks, assume it's a mistake and go anyway.
• When you get to callbacks, ask the director "Will this take long?"
• No matter how many conflicts you have, reply "none." Hey, It can all be worked out in the end.
• Overemphasize the lines they laugh at.
• Mistreat props. Lose them. Take them home with you.
• Tip the director.
• Repeatedly ask techies, "Will this be ready by the opening?"
• Assume the stage manager is there to clean up after you.
• Stay up late power drinking before early morning calls.
• Pause for so long after your monologue that they can't tell if you are done or not.
• Remember, although you can always be replaced, they can't replace you until you've done a LOT of damage.
• When your character isn't talking, mug.
• Why be onstage when you can upstage?
• For a touch of realism, upstage yourself.
• Give fellow actors advice on how to do their characters.
• If you can't get a grasp of your character, just do Jack Nicholson.
• Blocking is for amateurs.
• Eye contact is for actors afraid to stand on their own.
• It's not the quality of the role, it's what you get to wear.
• Wear all black and hang out in coffee houses.
• Change your blocking on opening night.
• Remember: frontal nudity gets you noticed faster.
• Use your tongue to make stage kisses look "real."
• Break a leg. Literally.