My beloved niece, Lyn Belzer, wanted us to know this updated holiday story... so settle in, bundle up, and imagine Boris Karlov's voice telling you the story of
(With respects to Theodor S. Geisel.)
Every Chad
Down in Chad-ville
Liked voting a lot ...
But the Grinch,
Who lived just north of Chad-ville
Did NOT!
The Grinch hated voting!
He
thought it a bore.
Now, please don't ask why.
Could
be Bush, could be Gore.
It could be his heart bled with
liberal mush.
It could be, perhaps, that he listened to
Rush.
But I think the real reason his trust was so
shattered
Was the great Grinchy view that his vote
never mattered.
BUT
Whatever the reason,
Lack of trust, lack of goals,
The Grinch dreaded that day when Chads went
to the polls.
He just hated those speeches and negative
ads,
And when push came to shove, he just hated
the Chads.
He just hated their theme parks, their
football-team rooters,
He just hated their gun laws, their barmaids
at Hooters.
He just hated their weather, even hated their
hate.
And he hated that they were a battleground
state.
"So they're making their choices," he snarled
with a sneer.
"This 'Decision Two Thousand' is practically
here!
"They'll struggle to choose 'tween a crumb
and a bum,
" 'Cause a voter's a voter, no matter how
dumb."
Then he growled, his Grinch fingers nervously
drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep outcomes from
coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew ...
All the flag-waving souls,
Would again waste their efforts on Clintons
or Doles.
And by then, oh, the polls! Oh, the polls!
Polls! Polls! Polls!
That's the one thing he hated! The POLLS!
POLLS! POLLS!
POLLS!
So the Chads, rich and poor, and by bus, car,
or boat,
They would vote! And they'd vote!
And they'd VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
They would vote to ban smoking or clearing
your throat.
They would even vote laws in for curbing your
goat.
And THEN ...
They'd sing that anthem. It always came
later.
Be they Bush-ites or Gore-ites or ites of
Ralph Nader.
They'd stand close together, and though still
full of fight,
They'd stand and they'd sing, by that dawn's
early light.
And the more the Grinch thought of Election
Day's ring,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop
this whole thing!
"Why, for two hundred years I've put up with
it now!
I MUST stop these outcomes from coming!
... But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
Yes, a legal idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT AN AWFUL BUT LEGAL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed
with a jig.
And he wove from his goat a Sam Donaldson
wig.
And into the mirror he spoke with grand
rancor,
"With this helmet of hair, they'll all think
I'm an anchor!"
"All I need are some ballots..."
The Grinch looked around.
But since ballots were private, there were
none to be found.
So he made his own ballot, printing letters
quite little,
And he scattered the names, running holes
down the middle,
And he stuck it together with Chad-berry
spittle.
And he said, "They'll need Einstein to figure
this riddle!"
THEN
He loaded his boxes, and without looking
nervous
Put a sign on his van that said "Voter
News Service."
THEN
The Grinch pulled away in his van with a
screech
Toward the pads of the Chads in a place
called "Palm Beach."
When he came to the first polling place in
the square,
All the lines were quite long. Thoughtful
talk filled the air,
As the Chads chatted merits of managed health
care.
"Vote early and often," the Grinch said with
a grin.
And he marched to the front of the line and
stepped in.
There he left all his ballots, the strange
ones with punches,
And instructions that said, "Please punch
punches in bunches."
As he slunk out the door toward the nearest
Grand Hyatt,
He could hear what you'd think was an Elian
riot.
The Cohens-sisters Esther, Mitzi, and
Shannon,
Just realized that their votes had all gone
to Buchanan!
At a place in Dade County near a
middle-school yard,
The Grinch donned a shirt that said, "Polling
Place Guard."
And he eyeballed each Chad and said, "Where
is your card?
"Voter card? Motor card? Credit card?
Diner's?
"Face card? Race card? Baseball card?
Shriners?"
And he turned them away. Then the Grinch,
like a fox,
Stuffed all of his ballots and locked the
lockbox!
Then old Grinch returned home to go "LIVE" on
TV.
He had waited quite late: (It was now eight
oh three.)
So the Grinch Network News first projected a
score:
"Now with one percent in, we pick Chad-ville
for GORE."
Every Gore-ite in Chad-ville said, "GIVE US
SOME MORE!"
So he pulled more projections straight out of
his stack.
Then, "Oh, dear!" said the Grinch, "I must
take it all back!"
So the Grinch Network News, in grand fairness
to all
Now reported that Chad-ville was "TOO CLOSE
TO CALL."
"Don't be mad, all you Chads, for this isn't
a scandal,
"It was just," the Grinch said, "we forgot
the Panhandle.
"The science of sampling can leave one
out-simpled."
So the Chads were left hanging and pregnant
and dimpled.
And the stress of it all put George Bush
among the pimpled!
Then the Grinch raised a finger for the
night's final push.
"Election Day's done, and the winner is
BUSH."
After all, George was leading at least by a
dozen.
(And whenever it's close, always go with your
cousin.)
"Play the music, the songs, pop the corks,
sing the praises,
" 'Cause with Bush as the winner, you're all
getting raises!"
And then the Grinch yawned, "This election
stuff's hokey,
Good-bye 'till next year! And now back to
you, Cokie."
And the Grinch, he went back to his old
Grinchy pad.
But en route, he was nabbed by a little Chad
lad
Who had stayed up all night (quite ignoring
his dad).
He stared at the Grinch and said, "Sir, who's
our leader?
"Is it Bush? Is it Gore? Or, my choice, Derek
Jeter?"
And the Grinch simply smiled: This day
couldn't be sweeter.
They were finding out now that no outcome was
coming!
They were seeing it now, all their dumbness
and dumbing.
"They're just waking up!" he said. "Here's
what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"And the Chads down in Chad-ville will all
cry, 'WE'LL SUE!' "
As he stared down at Chad-ville, the Grinch
popped his eyes,
But the scene that he saw brought a shocking
surprise.
All the Chads down in Chad-ville, Chad lads
and Chad dads,
They were counting the votes, they were
counting the chads!
He hadn't stopped an outcome from coming.
IT CAME!
SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER, IT CAME JUST THE SAME!
As the Grinch with his head buried deep in
the sand
Sat puzzling and puzzling, "They will count
them by hand?"
Yes, it came with the lawsuits, it came with
the lawyers,
It came with Tim Russert, it came with Bill
Moyers.
When the ballots were plucked and the
counting was done
The last margin of victory turned out to be
... ONE!
And if the Grinch had just voted,
... HIS GUY WOULD HAVE WON!
And what happened then ...
Well ...
In Chad-ville they say
That the Grinch's small district
Grew three sizes that day.
'Cause the minute his mood had come out of
its slump,
The Grinch said, "Hmm! I could be running
this dump!"
So he formed a committee to do all the work
And he ...
HE HIMSELF!
The Grinch ran for town clerk!