Original-Date: Wed, Dec 8 1999
Last year, John Grossi passed on this bit of speculation. This year, it's Chris Pizarro. Of course, I couldn't let a bit like this go un-rebutted, so you'll find my comments at the end of this message.
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the store, they always seem surprised to find only extra-small sweaters, Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
But as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!Believe it, baby! And I aim to prove it!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.Excuse me, but isn't this Santa's JOB? How many guys you know DON'T take thier jobs seriosly? I mean, Santa probably forgets his wedding anniversary year after year, but Santa putting off present selection is like a politician putting off campaign fundraising.
Once at the store... On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.Again, I defend this with the "It's his JOB" argument. If Santa didn't do this one thing well, he'd be standing at every streetcorner ringing a bell with a bucket for people to put spare change in...
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead..Hah! What this argument fails to take into account is that the sleigh and the reindeer are Santa's WHEELS! Why do you think the sleigh is cherry red? Can you say mid-life crisis? Ok, so it's not a Vette or a Ferrari, but hey, Santa's not your ordinary Joe...
he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.GPS: Global Positioning System. What guy--especially a guy who's job it is to be everywhere in just one night with barely a trace of his passage--isn't going to blow megabucks on all the latest techno- doodads to tell him where he is and where he's going? Directions are for kids: he's SANTA!
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue...What? EVERY guy has to be handy around the house? How many investment bankers and Wall Street brokers do their own handy work? Santa probably has elf contractors doing everything from carpentry to plumbing at the North Pole HQ.
Santa must be ex-millitary. Have you ever seen those duffels? They've got EVERYTHING in there!
- Men can't pack a bag.
Ahem. I wear red velvet every December, and it's VERY comfy.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Huh? What cold be more testosterone-confirming than hanging around other men who are a) shorter than you, and b) all have higher voices than yours?
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
Neither does Santa.
- Men don't answer their mail.
Hah! Like any women would admit that she's five pounds over her ideal weight! I know guys who wear their obesity like a badge of honor. If you doubt me, go to a football game and look for the half-naked guy with the painted face and beer gut flopping around every time his team scores.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
All the U.S. founding fathers wore stockings. Santa's a traditionalist.
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Claus is already married. Besides, women are inexplicably drawn to jolly, grandfatherly figures.
- Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Most men ARE committed to something... just not what the women in their lives would WANT them to be committed to.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
See? I rest my case.