I was trolling rec.humor.funny and stumbled across this bit. I remember seeing it back when I was a VAX sysadmin...

(There is a knock at the door. SYSMGR walks to the door and opens it,revealing USER.)

USER: Any idea when the system will be up?

SYSMGR: Well, I just installed version 5.0 of VMS, so I'm going to runsome diagnostics on it overnight to make sure it works alright. Assumingeverything goes alright, the system should be up first thing tomorrowmorning.

USER: Great. Thanks. (Exits)

(SYSMGR closes the door and returns to the console.)

ROD SERLING-LIKE VOICE: This is John Smith, University of Maryland SystemManager. In an effort to make his system the best it can be, he has justinstalled VMS Version 5.0 onto his VAX. But little does he know that theVersion 5 documentation kit from Digital includes a one-way ticket to ...the VMS TWILIGHT ZONE!

(ominous music - fade out)

(Fade in. The SYSMGR scans the console for a moment, then turns, picks uphis coat and walks to the door. He stops at the door for a moment, lookingback at the big machine. Finally, he turns out the light and exits,closing the door behind him.)

(Cut to the Console Terminal. We read the following as it is printed onthe console terminal:)

VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTICS --

DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 STARTING...

DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 FINISHED SUCCESSFULLY.

DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 2 STARTING...

TESTING MICROCODE ... SUCCESSFUL

TESTING DECNET ... SUCCESSFUL

TESTING LICENSE MANAGEMENT UTILITY ... SUCCESSFUL

TESTING SYSTEM SERVICES ... SUCCESSFUL

TESTING HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL AND COMPLETELY UNDOCUMENTED AI ROUTINE ...

(Cut to view of the Tape in the Tape drive. The tape spins for a moment,and suddenly stops.)

(Cut to view of the Machine Room. A fog has begun drifting across thefloor, and the hardware is slowly being backlit by a pulsing red light.A peal of weird laughter cuts through the silence. A variety of bizarrethings occur: A VT100 monitor sitting on a table slowly rotates 360degrees; the tape drive opens and tape begins spewing out of it; slimebegins pouring out of a disk drive; the line printer begins form-feedinglike mad. These continue for several minutes, or for as long as we cankeep them up. FADE OUT)

(SCENE: Hallway outside of the computer room. SYSMGR walks up to the doorand is met by USER.)

USER: System going to be up soon?

SYSMGR: (as he speaks, he tries to open the Machine room door, but thedoor is apparently stuck.) The diagnostics should be done by now, so weshould be up in about 15 minutes... (he succeeds in opening the door, butis confronted by floor to ceiling magnetic tape. Tangled at about eyelevel is an empty tape reel. SYSMGR takes the reel and looks at it. CLOSEUP of the reel so we can read the label, which reads: VAX/VMS V5.0DIAGNOSTIC KIT.) (to USER) ...give or take a few days....

(SCENE: View of TSR (Telephone Support Rep) from behind as she is sittingin a cubicle, a terminal in front of her. Beside her on the wall is aposter which reads "Digital Has It Now - But You Can't Have It". We cansee the terminal, but we should not be able to read what is on it. She iswearing a headset.)

TSR: Colorado Customer Support. What is your access number, please?

SYSMGR VOICE: 31576

TSR: And your name?

SYSMGR VOICE: John Smith.

(Cut to SYSMGR standing beside his console. He his holding a phone to hishead with his right hand, and holding a printout in his left which he isperusing while he talks on the phone.)

TSR VOICE: And what operating system are you using?

SYSMGR: VMS version 5.

TSR VOICE: And is this a problem with the operating system or a layeredproduct?

(As the SYSMGR looks up from the printout, his eyes suddenly widen andhe drops the printout and ducks. At that second, a disk platter fliesthrough the air where his head just was. Slowly, SYSMGR stands up andlooks to where the disk went. PAN BACK to reveal a stack of boxes with adisk embedded in one of them at neck height.)

SYSMGR: (into the phone) Operating System. Definitely the Operating System.

(Cut back to TSR sitting at her desk.)

TSR: Can you describe the problem, please?

(SYSMGR voice can now only be heard as mumbling)

TSR: Yes... Tape drive spewing tape into the air... yes... Line printersprinting backwards... yes... miscellaneous hardware flying through theair... uh huh... disk drives melting... yeah... strange voices coming fromthe CPU board... I see... yes. Is that all? (pause as she finishes typingat the terminal) Well, I'm afraid that that team is busy at the moment,can I have them get back to you?

(CUT TO SCENE: MANAGER sitting behind a large desk in a plush office.DEVELOPER is pacing in front of him, hands behind his back.)

(SUBTITLE: Meanwhile at Maynard...)

MANAGER: So tell me! What the hell happened?!

DEVELOPER: (turning to face MANAGER) It's a glitch, a fluke. A one in abillion chance. And it's not Development's fault. Not really.

MANAGER: Then who's fault is it?

DEVELOPER: We traced it back to the Software Distribution Center. Itseems that there was a mixup and some of the code for the experimental AIroutine was copied onto the distribution from the wrong optical disk. (Heremoves a CD from his jacket) This one, to be precise.

MANAGER: And what's that?

DEVELOPER: (reading the label) "Ozzy Osbourne's Greatest Hits".Normally, it wouldn't have made any difference, as the AI routine isn'tused yet. But when they began running diagnostics, it hit the routine andthe computer just sort of became a thing possessed.

MANAGER: Wonderful. Were any other distributions affected?

DEVELOPER: No, just the University of Maryland's.

MANAGER: Well, that's a relief. We've got to get them taken care ofbefore anyone finds out. Can you imagine what Digital Review would doif they heard about this?

DEVELOPER: We could always blame it on the Chaos Computer Group.

MANAGER: No, we've already used that one. This calls for drastic action.(MANAGER picks up the phone and begins flipping through the rolodex)

DEVELOPER: Who are you going to send?

(CUT to the Rolodex so that we can read the cards. The first card reads:

SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Ron Jankowski, x474

BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Bob Candless, x937

REALLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Michelle French, x365

OUTRAGEOUSLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Mike West, x887

SYSTEM FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION - The VAXorcist, x666

VAXORCIST: (in a hushed voice) DEC sent me. I hear you're having someproblems.

(CUT to SYSMGR OFFICE, a small but pleasant office with posters on thewalls and clutter on the desk. As the VAXORCIST enters, he removes hiscoat and hat, revealing a very techie outfit beneath. He is wearing a DECbadge.)

SYSMGR: (Frantic) Problems? Problems?!? You could say I'm having someproblems. 4.6 was fine. 4.7 was fine. I install 5.0 and all Hell breaksloose. The damn thing ate two of my operators this morning!

VAXORCIST: Calm down, everything will be alright. I've dealt withsituations like this before.

SYSMGR: You have?

VAXORCIST: Four years ago at an installation in Oregon, a programmerrenamed his Star Trek program to VMB.EXE and copied it into the systemdirectory. When the system was rebooted the next day it phasored theentire accounting department claiming that they were Klingon spies. Therewas a similar problem in Texas three years ago, and then, of course, therewas the IRS fiasco that we're not allowed to talk about. But don't worry.These things can be fixed. Before I can help you, though, I have to askyou a few questions. (The VAXorcist opens his briefcase and removes aclipboard) Now, according to the report, the strange occurences began afteryou installed VMS Version 5, is that correct?

SYSMGR: Yes, that's correct.

VAXORCIST: Now, did you carefully read the Installation Guide for VMSVersion 5?

SYSMGR: (confused) Installation Guide?

VAXORCIST: Yes, it should have come with the Release Notes.

SYSMGR: (still confused) Release Notes? (SYSMGR begins rooting about onhis disk, shifting papers around as if he might find them underneath)

VAXORCIST: (annoyed) Yes, Release Notes. They should have come with yourdocumentation upgrade.

SYSMGR: (completely confused - looks up from his rooting through thepapers on his desk) Documentation upgrade?

VAXORCIST: (angry) YES! The Documentation upgrade for your VMSDocumentation Set!

SYSMGR: Documentation S...? Oh, you mean the grey binders? They're overthere. (he points to the wall behind the VAXORCIST. The VAXORCIST turnsand we see a closed glass-front bookcase packed with grey binders. A smallred sign on the front of the bookcase reads: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAKGLASS").

VAXORCIST: Right. This is going to be tougher than I thought. Let's gotake a look at your system and see just how bad everything is.

(CUT to the Machine Room. The room is neat and tidy and there is no signthat anything is wrong. The VAXORCIST enters the room with the SYSMGRbehind him.)

VAXORCIST: Everything looks okay to me.

SYSMGR: Maybe it's hibernating.

VAXORCIST: Unlikely. It's probably trying to lure us into a false senseof security.

SYSMGR: Sounds like VMS alright. (VAXORCIST gives him a dirty look)

VAXORCIST: I'm going to have to test it's power. This could get ugly, youmay want to leave. (The SYSMGR shakes his head no. The VAXORCIST bringshiself up to full height in front of the VAX and points a finger at it)By the power of DEC, I expel thee from this system! (Clap of thunder)

(CUT to door to the machine room. The SYSMGR is pulling a cart on whichsits the VAXORCIST wrapped from head to toe in magnetic tape)

SYSMGR: Any other bright ideas?

VAXORCIST: Just shut up and get this damn stuff off of me.

(CUT to SYSMGRs office)

VAXORCIST: (Writing on the clipboard) Things look pretty bad. I thinkwe're going to need a full-scale VAXorcism here.

SYSMGR: Is there anything I can do to help?

VAXORCIST: As a matter of fact, there is. We've got to incapacitate theVAX to keep it from causing any more damage until I'm ready to deal withit. Now, I've got some software here that will do that, but it's got to beinstalled. (VAXORCIST hands SYSMGR a tape) With that running, the CPUwill be so bogged down, the VAX won't be able to harm anybody.

SYSMGR: (Examining the tape) What is it? A program to calculate pi to thelast digit?

VAXORCIST: Better than that. It starts up All-in-1 with a 10 user load.

(CUT to Hall outside of Computer Room. The VAXORCIST approaches the door.As the SYSMGR approaches the door, the VAXORCIST holds him back.

VAXORCIST: I appreciate your help, but it won't be safe for you in there.

SYSMGR: What? You're going in there to face that thing alone? You'renuts!

VAXORCIST: Hey, it's my job. (VAXORCIST turns to the door)

SYSMGR: Wait a minute. (VAXORCIST stops and turns around) You bettertake this with you. (SYSMGR removes a very large and very nasty lookinggun from the inside of his jacket)

VAXORCIST: (Smiling) No, I won't need that. I've got something morepowerful. (VAXORCIST holds up a small guide-sized orange binder, opens it,and shows it to SYSMGR. CUT to closeup of the book which reads: "GUIDE TOVAX/VMS SYSTEM EXORCISM")

(CUT to view of Machine room door as seen by the VAX. The VAXORCIST entersthe room and stands in front of the VAX. CUT to view of the Machine Roomshowing the SYSMGR confronting the VAX)

VAXORCIST: By the power of DEC, I command thee, Evil Spirit, to showthyself.

VAX: Bugger off.

VAXORCIST: (Shaken) What?

VAX: I said Bugger off! Now get out of here before I core-dump all overyou!

VAXORCIST: (Recovered) Threaten me not, oh Evil one! For I speak withthe power of DEC, and I command thee to show thyself!

(A rumble is heard and again the VAX becomes backlit by red lights and afog begins to roll across the floor. The VAX cabinet doors slowly creakopen to reveal two small red lights in the dark cabinet which appear to bethe creature's eyes)

VAX: There. Happy? Now get out of here before I drop a tape drive onyour private parts.

VAXORCIST: (Opening the orange binder, he begins intoning SHUTDOWN.COM ingregorian chant. The VAX screams.)

VAX: Stop that! Stop that! You, you DOS LOVER! Your mother manages RSXsystems in Hell!

(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams again.)

VAX: Stop it! (a large wad of computer tape is thrown at the VAXORCIST,apparently from the VAX). Eat oxide, bit-bucket breath!

(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams once more.)

VAX: Mount me! Mount me!

VAXORCIST: (finishing the intonation) And now, by the power of DEC, Ibanish thee back to the null-space from which you came! (The VAX screamsand the scream fades to silence.)

(CUT to the doorway of the Machine room, which now stands open. TheVAXORCIST is once again wearing his trench coat and fedora.)

SYSMGR: So it's over?

VAXORCIST: (Putting his hat on) Yes, it's over.

SYSMGR: (Shaking the VAXORCISTs hand) Thank God. Listen, thanks a lot. Idon't know what we would have done without you.

VAXORCIST: Hey, it's the least we could do. The Software DistributionCenter should be sending you a patch tape in a week or two to patch outthat AI routine and prevent this from happening again. Sign here. (hehands SYSMGR the clipboard, SYSMGR signs at the bottom and hands it back)Have a good one. (VAXORCIST leaves).

(SYSMGR enters the machine room. Camera follows him in.)

SYSMGR: (Calling to someone off-camera) Okay, you guys, let's getrolling. Get those backup tapes out. We've got a clean system again!(cheers are heard from off-camera. The SYSMGR leaves the picture, leavingonly the VAX with it's cabinet doors still open in the picture. Slow zoomin to the LSI unit. Slowly, the LSI unit begins to emit a pulsing redglow)

(Fade to black. CREDITS ROLL)

Any similarity between characters appearing in this script and any persons,creatures, or entities living, dead, or otherwise is purely coincidental.

I am no longer an employee of the University of Maryland, so I'm notparticularly bothered if you think that they are responsible for any ofthis. Unless it's funny, then it's mine.

Thanks to my friends and colleagues at the University of Maryland andelsewhere for their help and encouragement in the developement of the script and the video.