This piece by Christopher Buckley appeared in the new Yorker back in 1993. I was reminded of it recently when Enrique Lopez reminded me of the other Christopher Buckley I've sent on, "What to do with all those Mad Cows in Britain."
| Kirk: | Captain's log, stardate 7412.6... hello? The red light isn't going on. Testing, 1-2-3-4. Chekov, it's not recording. |
| Chekov: | I know, Keptin. Perhaps a negitive funtion with the clock-timer. |
| Uhura: | Captain, I'm getting indications of a Klingon presence. |
| Kirk: | Mr. Spock? |
| Spock: | I confirm at least six Imprerial Klingon warships, Captain and heading tward our position at Warp 7. |
| Kirk: | No, the Captains log. Why won't it record? |
| Spock: | Might I suggest, Captain, that we first remove ourselves to a more secure sector and then address the matter of your log? That would be the logical approach. |
| Kirk: | There's nothing logical about this instruction manual. Chekov? |
| Chekov: | Keptin? |
| Kirk: | Try this. "With the Rec-on day flashing, press the 5 key." |
| Chekov: | I did already, Keptin. Still negative funtion. |
| Sulu: | Captin, I'm having difficlty holding course. |
| Kirk: | Shut down engines. Chekov, "Press the the number for the day. For Sunday, press the 1 key, for Monday, press the 2 key, and so on." |
| Chekov: | Affirmative, Keptin. Still negative function. Perhaps ve should go back to page 15, vere it said to press the Rec-Off time and press two digits for hour. |
| Spock: | Captain, the Klingons are arming photon torpedoes. |
| Kirk: | Engineering. |
| Scotty: | Aye, Captain? |
| Kirk: | Mr. Scott, we've got a malfunction in the log. We're going to need full deflector power while we get it fixed. |
| Scotty: | I canna' guarantee it, Captain. The systems are overloaded as it is. |
| Chekov: | Keptin, the flashing 12:00 disappeared! |
| Kirk: | Good work, Chekov! |
| Chekov: | Den it came right back. |
| Kirk: | Damn it. Analysis Mr. Spock. |
| Spock: | It would appear, Captain, this instruction manual that you and Mr. Chekov have been trying to decipher was writen in Taiwan. |
| Kirk: | Taiwan? |
| Spock: | A small island in the Pacific Rim Sector, formerly inhabited by determined people who believed the the adductor muscles in gaint clams, Tridacna gigas, conferred sexual potency. In the later twentieth century, they became the convayors of early video equipment to what was then the United States. They were able to successfully emasculate the entire U.S. male population by means of impenetrable instructions manuals. It was this that eventually led to the Great Conflict. |
| Kirk: | But this is 7412.6. How did a Taiwanese instruction manual get aboard the Enterprise? |
| Spock: | It is posible that a Taiwanese computer virus was able to infiltrate Star Fleet Instruction Manual Command ans subtly alter the books so that not even university-trained humans could under stand them. |
| Kirk: | It's diabolical. |
| Spock: | On the contrary, it is perfectly logical. Their strategy was based on an ancient form of Oriental persuation known as the water torture. In this case, instead of water a digital rendering of the hour of twelve o'clock is flashed repeatedly and will not disappear until the unit is correctly programmed. |
| Kirk: | And for that you need a manual you can understand. |
| Spock: | Precisely. Unless... |
| Kirk: | Spit it out, Spock. |
| Spock: | You have Star Log Plus. A small device that permitted the Americans to bypass the instruction manuals and program thair units so that thay would not end up with six hours of electronic snow instead of "Masterpice Theater" or, more likely, "American Gladiators." |
| Kirk: | Could you make one of these things, Spock? |
| Spock: | It would take more than the one minute and twenty seconds that we have until we are within range of Klingon weapons. |
| Dr. McCoy: | Jim, you know I hate to agree with Spock, but he's right. We've got to get out of here. There are hundreds fo people on this ship, young people, with homes and families anf futures, and pets--little hamsters on treadmills, Jim. You can't sacifice them just because you can't figure out how to program your damn log! |
| Kirk: | I know my resonsibilities, Bones. Spock, would it be possible to beam the flashing 12:00 into the Klingon's control panel? |
| Spock: | Theoretically, yes, |
| Kirk: | Do it. |
| Uhura: | Captain, I'm picking up a Kiling on transmission. |
| Kirk: | Put it on screen. |
| Klingon: | QI'yaH, Majegh! |
| Kirk: | Translation, Spock. |
| Spock: | It appears to have worked, Captain. They are surrendering. |
| Kirk: | Take us home Mr. Sulu. Mr. Chekov, try pressing the OTR button twice. |