Thanks to Gene Gregor for this opinion piece...
So the cinematic version of Tomb Raider made over $48 million at the box office on its opening weekend. It's amazing what putting Angelina Jolie in a padded bra can accomplish. I believe it was economist Adam Smith who first proposed the theory of "the Invisible Mammary".
Still, Tomb Raider stands ready to become the most financially successful movie based on a computer game, which is sort of akin to taking Best of Show at a dog-faced boy contest. I predict that this record will stand until some enterprising Hollywood producer creates Quake: The Movie. If any Hollywood producers should happen to be reading this, here are three things you should keep in mind when making Quake: The Movie.
1. Blood
2. Explosions
3. PG-13
The MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America) being what it is, you can generally have all three of the above things in a PG-13 movie AS LONG AS you skip the following two things:
1. Profanity
2. Sex/Nudity
In other words, you can have someone getting their head obliterated by a chaingun, and as long as the person blowing the head off doesn't curse or show their breasts, PG-13 is totally achievable... and PG-13 is what pays the bills in Hollywood, baby. Budding directors and screen writers take note.
This begs the question: are these parts interchangable, like some sort of celluloid Mr. Potato Head? Can you exchange profanity for blood, for example, and still get a PG-13 rating?
Hard to say. Here is the MPAA description of the PG-13 rating:
"This signifies that the film rated may be inappropriate for pre-teens. Parents should be especially careful about letting their younger children attend. Rough or persistent violence is absent; sexually-oriented nudity is generally absent; some scenes of drug use may be seen; one use of the harsher sexually derived words may be heard."Three noteworthy things here... first, the differentiation between violence and rough violence. Hey, because it's important to make the distinction between 'rough violence' and 'smooth violence'. Much like peanut butter, it makes a huge difference when you're deciding what to spread on your kid's impressionable cerebral crumpet.
Second, a similar distinction has been made between sexually-oriented nudity, and... um... non-sexually-oriented nudity. And although sexually-oriented nudity is "generally absent", there's nothing to say that you can't throw in a whole whack of non-sexually-oriented nudity. For example, you could have a scene with Harvey Keitel standing naked at a bus stop... no... no, never mind. Just skip the nudity all together.
Third, notice that you are allowed one use of the harsher sexually derived words. This means that when filming your movie, you'd better pick your moment carefully. You can't just throw harsh sexually derived words around like Steve Ballmer at a Red Hat convention. You have to pick your spot.
Using Quake: The Movie as an example--it wouldn't be appropriate to insert your harsh sexually derived word when Orbb discovers a fresh ammo load for his lightning gun. It's anti-climactic and gratuitous. However, in the scene where Mynx gobbles down a Quad Damage, whirls around in slo-mo, and lets Xaero have it with a full load of fusing plasma out of her BFG-10k, this might be a perfect moment to launch your HSDW. It's also important to remember that you don't have to use long, complicated harsh sexually derived words. Stick with the four- letter variety. After all, it's not how long it is that matters, it's how you use it.
And remember, much like a typical BrainBuzz staff meeting, although you pretty much only get one payload of harsh sexually derived words... you can throw out as many rat bastards! as you want, and still come out smelling like a daisy.
A. J. Axline
Byte Back News