Subject: Things not to do while driving
Date: Sat, Jul 14 2001 00:00:05 -0400

OK, It's Saturday afternoon and Roy Atkinson is plowing through "OS X: The Complete Reference" so he can write a review of it. Fortunately for us, his mind was not completely on his work...

As you are aware, New York has become the first state to ban the use of handheld cell phones while driving, citing "manipulative distraction" as the cause of many accidents. Here are some other offenses that will be hitting the books in a legislature near you:

DWYAK - Driving While Yelling At Kids (When screamed at top of lungs, this acronym is indistinguishable from the word "QUIET!" yelled at the same volume.)

DWCRP - Driving While Changing Radio Presets (It doesn't matter if you were listening to WCRP.)

OAMVWEILB - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Engaging In Lewd Behavior (Pronounced "wham-vee-while-bee." Extra points and fine if done while passing a busload of Senior Citizens on their way to the casino.)

DWLTRLFARW - Driving While Listening To Rush Limbaugh For Any Reason Whatsoever (Pronounced "dwil-little-far." The final W is silent.)

DWCDTCYJD - Driving While Chasing Down That Cigarette You Just Dropped

WOWOSOAMV - While Ogling Women On Sidewalk, Operating A Motor Vehicle (Pronounced "wow-ohs-WHAM-v," the series of sounds made during this infraction.)

DWPOMOS - Driving While Putting On Makeup Or Shaving

DWEKKD - Driving While Eating Krispy Kreme Donuts (Pronounced the same as the sound you will make after having eaten one too many.)

DWEDD - (Same as above, other brand. Pronounced, "Some people think they are better anyway, and the coffee is always fresh.")

DWFOTSOTU - Driving While Figuring Out The Secret Of The Universe (Pronounced to rhyme with, "I thought so, too.")

DWUPOOHHD - Driving While Using Palm Or Other Hand Held Device (Pronounced "dude!")

CYDCLTGAITIDWPOR - Crossing Yellow Double Center Line To Get Around Idiot Turning Into Driveway Without Pulling Off Road (Pronounced the same way as the small Welsh town by the same name.)

DWDTB - Driving While Digging Through Briefcase

OAMVWWCFTNKA - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Writing Code For The Next Killer App (Pronounced $*.*/?.submit)

DWMRWLTBROOWKRT - Driving While Moving Rhythmically When Listening To Bohemian Rhapsody Or Other Well Known Rock Tune

OAMVWDAOABMW - Operating A Midsized VW Dreaming About Owning Any BMW

Unfortunately, no legislature currently has plans to ban the number one problem on the road: DWS - Driving While Stupid