Taken from the latest "Best of the Internet Oracle".
--- 1223-05 04itl 3.9 ---
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Wise Oracle most tidy,

Should I hire a maid?

Here's a quick quiz to help you decide whether you need a maid. Choose the answers that describe your house the best:

Kitchen Sink:
A. It is empty, and sterilized with full strength bleach.
B. My coffee cup (rinsed) is in the sink.
C. Last night's dinner dishes are in the sink.
D. Last year's dinner dishes are in the sink.

Refrigerator:
A. Empty, except for 2 bottles of spring water and a container of yogurt
B. Usual assortment of foods, mostly fresh. No empty jars.
C. Some of the veggies are little suspicious looking.
D. Some of the veggies have developed teeth, and my cat is missing.

Floors:
A. Vacuumed and swept daily.
B. Vacuumed and swept weekly.
C. Vacuumed and swept monthly.
D. Several archeological digs in progress.

Laundry:
A. Is done daily
B. Is done weekly
C. Is done when the closets and clothes drawers are empty
D. Eventually crawls away on its own, and then I go shopping.

Furniture is dusted:
A. Every day, using cleansers and polish and imported feather dusters
B. Once a week, with whatever rag I can find.
C. Whenever I can write my name on it, with my shirt sleeve.
D. When plants start to grow on it, with a trowel.

Scoring: Give yourself 0 points for every A answer, 1 point for B, 2 for C, and 3 for D. Add 150 points if anything scurried across your screen while you were reading this.

0 - 3: You're Martha Stewart, and you make the rest of us look bad. Go away.
4 - 7: You don't really need a maid. Hire a masseuse instead.
8 - 11: Yeah, you need a maid.
12 - 15: You don't need a maid, you need a disaster recovery plan and a backhoe.
15 - : The National Guard and the EPA have been notified.

You owe the Oracle a way to remove 5-month-old toxic hummus from a refrigerator without actually touching the container.