New subatomic particle found

Subject: New subatomic particle found
Date: Mon, Feb 4 2002 00:00:10 -0500

Roy Atkinson has been burning the late night oil, reading up on his physics so he could author this ORIGINAL paper. PackyHumor exclusive, folks!

Electrons, mesons, quarks and gluons have all been known for some time. This week, however, scientists have announced the existence of a previously unacknowledged particle, the "enron."

The enron was apparently discovered by researcher Buncha Horsepupi, who had touted it to other scientists as "the next big thing in particles." Few of those scientists expressed any contrary opinions. The prime proponent of the project was famed Chinese-Russian physicist La-ying Zonovabitz.

According to investigating scientists, the enron has properties previously unknown in other particles. It generally acts as if it has a large positive charge, but whenever measured with precision, its charge is massively negative. It is, in its normal state, highly attractive to other particles, but again, when measured with precision, repels them.

"It's a corollary to the Andersen principle," said lead scientist Smokan Meeras. "You cannot measure both the internal lack of value and the external value at the same time."

The existence of the enron was theorized only a few years ago, and one subatomic particle, thought to be an enron, was studied over a period of time. It seemed to have overwhelmed other particles, causing them to give up whatever energy they had. It apparently absorbed this energy into itself, becoming larger by the nanosecond, while seemingly having no mass whatsoever.

Suddenly, the enron began contracting rapidly. Consulting scientists, who had been brought in to oversee the project, attempted to explain this behavior as the enron's "passing off charges to other 'partner-particles' in complex ways we do not fully understand."

Finally, the enron has all but disappeared, having sucked the energy out of all nearby particles and left virtually nothing of the original atomic structure intact.

"Although it may be a long time before another enron appears," said staff scientist Hedgeen Yurbets, "we will continue looking for reactions that would indicate the presence of a particle with these particular properties.

All the findings about the enron are under peer review.